A Few Minutes in Her Mind

Mirrors are everywhere. I Look at my eyes in the car window, I look at my lips in the glass on the door of my classroom. I Take out my compact with a mirror and look at my reflection while I'm waiting for lunch. When I'm bored I go to the bathroom and look in the mirror and fix my makeup and fix my hair.

In ten minutes I have fixed my entire physical appearance and truly examined my life. I'm getting ready for lunch. I'm delicately fixing my makeup, taking tissues and wiping off smudged eyeliner, popping the pimple on the side of my cheek. Eww that's so gross. Everyone will think I'm so ugly if they see it. Okay, just breathe, maybe they won't notice.

If I laugh and accentuate my lips when I talk maybe it'll be okay. If I giggle in order to get my way they won't notice. If I take off my sweater maybe they'll look at my boobs instead.

When the lunchroom is really full I want my old seat back. Yeah, I left half an hour ago, but if I apply minimal effort I can get it back. Perfect. That geeky kid in the corner with the huge and obvious crush on me.

Whiny voice, whiny voice is perfect. No, fragile voice. I'm not actually fragile, but it's better when it looks that way, I think. Perfect- a fragile, whiny, weak voice- maybe even slightly sexual. The combo.

“Zach-” I moan, “You took my seat.”

“Oh, oh, I'm so sorry.” he says bashfully, looks away quickly, runs to the corner and sits against a wall instead. Success- so I sit down.

And the people around me make pleasant and funny conversation, and they laugh and I laugh. I laugh really fragile like and giggle and sound stupid when I talk. Wait, why am I laughing again?

I've been doing this so long I feel stupider. What if I am stupider? What if acting this way for so long actually made me this way? But even if I am stupid, it doesn't matter. Don't linger on that too long.

Then I take out my small sandwich that isn't really satisfying, but I don't care. The key is to eat around my peers. When I do that, no one suspects that that's the only time I eat. And I chew very slowly and delicately and focus on looking dainty while I'm eating. And I only eat half- because it shows a very feminine sense of control. Because control is everything.

anonymityrules
06.17.06

What I Want to Remember When I'm Dying

The first high- not those childish ones in your backyard with suspect characters- that first true one that made you learn something about intimacy- the one in your car, blissful dancing music in your ears and companions by your side. The first orgasm and the first time someone held you close, extended and beautiful as you rested, sleeping as if you loved your life. The first prolonged eye contact with romantic overtones, not only sexual, but intimate- those blue eyes opened up so wide you wished you could fall asleep in the womb of the azure. Sitting naked in your backyard, totally revealed in a drunken stupor, enjoying that cigarette and that breeze against your skin. Moments of anticipation- your heart moving outward with force and revelation. That moment where the only real mother in your life brought you out of numbness and you shed a true tear- the wet reality climbing down your cheek in a bleak reminder of the beauty of momentary affection and love. The last real hug you ever received, one that was gentle and comforting in your loneliest hour. The last time you looked someone in the eyes and saw them- wholly aware that they saw you too. The last, final ecstasy- whatever artificial or natural form if may have assumed in order to manifest itself in you- and how you knew why the world spins so enthusiastically about its axis. And knowing the reason you lived to see this day is summed up in these brief recollections. And also knowing that your physical existence and physical memory are the very essence of the metaphysic of your life.

anonymityrules

06.08.06

Evolutionary and Sublime

I am odd system of nerves
and cells and electricity-
from science's lessons I learn
the physicality of my existence.

And the nerves-
they communicate mysteries,
the mysteries of feelings and
smelling reptilian.
The mysteries of
nature and desire and death.

Unless you fight them.

Occasionally, mostly accidentally, I flash
you abortive smiles, fake ones too,
and occasionally, always accidentally,
real smiles.

I embarrass myself in preemption of pain-
With constant, bright, shining lies- constantly
Emerging, darkened, from the
Perilous periphery of my consciousness.

I long, with heavy dedication to
my sacred sentient breaths,
for the memory of real sleep inside the womb
and that salvation be in the casket,
and that it be final.

I will always become enamored with
anatomical drawings of the heart,
but not the soul.

And as the result I stand fully
formed and crippled:
here you see me, a cryptically
purposeful grin on my face,
eyes squinting, and lamenting
being allergic to life.

And I walk onward with definite steps,
contemplating my near-expertise
at maintaining patience in opposition to desire-
Fearing more nightmares in the day time,
Speeding through time and forging, with
astounding zeal, a collective
guilty conscience for the innocent.

Blink once, you can feel the tender overtones
of the evolutionary and the sublime.

anonymityrules 6.10.06

Eyes

Dart away, fly away, breathe,
deep inside the sockets-
Drift away, lift away, emanate
distance.

Widen, shrink, avoid contact.
Blink occasionally, move with
astounding subtlety.

Hope and pray no one catches
you, dream and sink inward.
Live without thirst.

Catch an image, prolong your pain,
make his image beautiful, meet
those others before he looks away.
Fight penetration, mask melancholy,
joy and disdain.

Search it out, sadness and tears,
and once you happen upon it,
Never sustain.

anonymityrules- 6.8.06

Thoughts after I

You see she says,
Now I'm not afraid of her,
Cuz y'know she's met her
And thinks she looks
Better.
But she doesn't realize
That all curves are dangerous,
And the mountain really depends on the climber
And it makes me a tad sad
To think I'm scattering seed
On such shallow ground.

-nefariousone -